Monday, November 30, 2009

Where do we go from here?

I've done a lot of thinking about what happens next. If - or when - this cycle doesn't work. Let me start by saying that while I'm not optimistic about my chances, I am absolutely hopeful. I don't want to banish that hope and say to you - or to myself - that I don't expect it to happen, or that I *know* there's no way it will happen, because that would not be true. I do hope, very much so, that my period doesn't show up on Wednesday and that I see two lines on Friday. I hope so much that I want to scream, that my head hurts sometimes, that I can't sleep at night. And in order to hope, I have to believe that I have a shot. I have to believe that there's some chance - however small - that this might work.

But at the same time, to say I'm not optimistic ... well, that's a bit of an understatement. I am holding onto hope because it doesn't want to let go, but that doesn't mean that I'm window shopping pink booties and this season's maternity clothes or picking out baby names. In fact, I find most of my thoughts swirling around the question: "What's next?"

I truthfully do not know what happens next. (If this doesn't work.) I want to do whatever it takes - I really do - but only if "whatever it takes" comes without too steep a cost. Because lately I have come to face the reality that what I have been through over the past two years has cost me. And my marriage. And my son. I am tired, so bone weary, of being consumed by this quest, and the thought of jumping off the ride now makes me feel happy and light in a way that I have not felt since I can remember. I don't believe for one second that the hits we've all taken can't be repaired; I know these wounds will heal. Of course, jumping off the ride means living the life that we didn't technically choose for ourselves, and therein lies the tough choice. We want another child. I don't know how to reconcile this; I just can't figure it out.

For now, I'll do what I'm *supposed* to do. I'll meet with the RE to discuss what went wrong, and what my next steps will be, if I choose to continue treatments. I'll put all the information aside for a short period of time ... short, because let's face it, I don't have much time to decide here. And then we'll figure out what our path will be. We'll weigh and consider, we'll take some time to heal and get stronger, and then we'll decide.

I have to say, it might be the path of least resistance.

1 comment:

  1. I feel like I am constantly drawing lines in the sand. Each time I step over it, I feel hopeful, but scared. For me, money is a big issue. We still have the will to continue, but the funds are dry. I'm probably close to being emotionally spent too.. but it's easy to squash that down.

    Hoping for you, as always.