Reactions

IUI for Friday, confirmed this morning. Thank goodness this didn't get pushed back further, because I really just want it over and done with.

It's funny, but I've been so open about what we're going through, and I think it's finally biting me in the ass. I was just so excited about starting IVF, and I don't mind being open about my infertility in general, so I told people about our cycle plans. Now I have everyone I know asking me (excitedly, mind you!) about how things are progressing, when retrieval will be, etc. It's been rather tiring to have to keep explaining the cancellation. Lesson learned, I suppose.

People's reactions to these developments have been interesting. Here's a little recap:

Boss who is living child free after 10 IVF attempts: She's always been so understanding - much more so than I expected, actually. She let me vent, she listened, and then she moved firmly into the "understand how lucky you are" camp. I can appreciate that; I am lucky.

Boss who has had no trouble conceiving, and who has 2 little ones of her own: Very sympathetic, hopeful, and accommodating.

Assorted friends: I've gotten varying degrees of anger, sadness for us, frustration, etc. But the overriding theme is along the lines of "what's the next step?" This is why I wish I had kept this cycle a little (not completely, but just a little) closer to the vest. Answering these questions is not easy now, because my thoughts are changing on an almost hourly basis. One friend made me laugh out loud with an email where she told me to tell my ovaries to stop slacking off, and "quit acting like they have a state job. It's time to get to work." (She's a state employee, by the way, before anyone gets offended.) It was just the levity I needed at that moment.

My husband: He's disappointed. I think he's taking this harder than I am. While I am automatically looking at the positives of having one child (and there are plenty of positives!), he is forcing himself to look there. I really think he's .... sad. Last night we were talking about Friday's IUI, and he said, "what time will we need to go back for the insemination?" We, I asked him? "Yes," he said, "I'm coming with you." Ummmm, ok? Honey, we're not newbies, you don't need to take a half a vacation day to hold my hand. Heck, we haven't done that since, well since the very first IUI, three and a half years ago. Ah. "Hey, I was there for him," he said, as he pointed to the kiddo, "I want to be there this time too." I don't know if it's superstition on his part (hey, it worked that time! Maybe there's something to having him in the same zip code when I get knocked up), or if he just wants to round out the circle because he feels - like I do - that this might be our last attempt.

Me: First and foremost, I think I'm confused. I'm so used to having a next step, a plan B (and C and D), and this time I just don't. Yet. And all of the questions I'm getting are not making it any easier to figure out, frankly. I'm being honest with people close to me, letting them know that we need to take some time to decide, and that maybe clarity will come with a little space. Other than that, I'm also alternating among anger, frustration, sadness, crushing disappointment and longing, and relief.

Yes, relief. I truly, honestly, fully can not wait for this to be over. I'm tired. I'm tired of spending 20 minutes every night mixing meds. I'm tired of being late to work all the time, scheduling meetings around my appointments, and not knowing what days I'll need a coworker to cover for me. I'm tired of getting my hopes up and then having them crash down around me, Every Single Month. Most of all, I think I'm tired of not knowing what happens with us. Uncertainty is not something I work well with. I like to make decisions and move forward; speculation and waiting are not part of my comfort zone. So, the idea of ending this now, moving on with our lives ... well, it's a decision, isn't it?

And that, in itself, is comforting.