Chill, with a side of anxiety

What a great, laid back weekend. I had a gift certificate for a facial, and I used that on Saturday afternoon. I have to admit that while it was nice (and I always love being pampered and any kind of massage whatsoever), it wasn't nearly as good as getting a full-body massage. I think that I'd do it again, but not super often and definitely not instead of a massage. My face does look fantastic though.

Otherwise this weekend, we just hung out, enjoying the beautiful weather. I'm a little bummed about the impending cold weather - why I live in the North East is beyond me (oh, that's right, it's because the bugs down south would send me to a looney bin and the dry air out West would lead to constant raw, sore throats) - so I'm sopping up every ounce of warmth there is left this year.

I'm so laid back about my current cycle it's amazing. The primary-IF me of four years ago would be stunned and impressed at how I'm taking it all in stride. I haven't figured out yet if this will be my only IVF attempt (if it doesn't work, that is), and what's more amazing, is that I feel no pressure to figure it out yet. That's a huge thing for me, just going with the flow and taking it as it comes. Hey, I'm no dummy, I know that with my age, FSH, and the fact that this is my first IVF, my chances aren't phenomenal that I walk out of this with a baby. I know that. And yet, for some reason that I have yet to figure out (probably because I'm not spending every moment analyzing it), it's ok. It's ok if I decide to cycle again next year, it's ok if we have frosties left over and do an FET .... hell, it's even ok if we decide to stop. Right now, it's ok for us if we just don't decide yet, and focus on being hopeful for this chance.

That being said ... there's a little "but" here. I feel laid back. I do. I feel like I'm ready for whatever happens. And yet, I'm having these awful, anxiety filled dreams. Now that I think about it, they seem to be centered around the meds. I'm not new to mixing the meds, shooting myself, having my husband shoot me in the butt - I feel comfortable with all of that during my waking hours. But at night? After I fall asleep? Apparently I'm really worried that I'm going to screw something up. One night, I dreamt that I used PIO instead of stims. Another night, I gave myself ten times the amount of Gonal F. In a different dream, all my meds were missing when it was time to inject them - I just couldn't find them anywhere in the house. And last night, I dreamt that I forgot to take them, for two nights in a row.

Tonight I start stims. I just hope that once I begin the nightly routine, my sleeping self will chill out a bit, and catch up to my waking self. Here's hoping.