Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Is this allowed?

Have you ever felt sort of .... ambivalent? Indifferent? I don't know why, or where this came from, but for just the past couple of days, I am not as gung-ho about having another baby. I know, I know ... I'm in the middle of a treatment cycle (and we know it's sort of my hail mary, last ditch kind of cycle), stimming the hell out of my ovaries, and now this.

I feel like an ass. A hypocritical, whining, douchy ass.

I'm not going to say I've never had doubts before. My kiddo was a heck of a newborn. He was the newborn that could never be put down; we had to take shifts for the first 5 or 6 weeks sleeping on the couch with him (because on the couch we could sort of prop ourselves up, with him on our chest, and kind of snooze while he slept). He was the baby with the longest periods of separation anxiety ever. He was hands-freaking-on, all the freaking time. It took us an hour to get him to sleep at night sometimes those early months (and by "us," well, let's face it, I mean me and my boobs), and I can probably recite passages verbatim from "The No Cry Sleep Solution" and "The Happiest Baby on the Block."

But our previous declarations of "oooh, how will we ever do it!" (all made with a happy, hopeful gleam in our eye, mind you), well, those were different. Because lately I'm wondering if we really want to go there. I think of my kid 2+ years ago, and it makes me wonder about wrangling a newborn and young baby through those phases and stages, with my toddler. Now he's a pretty independent kid, moreso than a lot of kids his age, but he still requires - and deserves! - a lot of attention. How do parents do it?

But then we went to the park yesterday. (Oh, you know where I'm going with this.) And my kiddo climbed to the top of the slide / jungle gym thingy (what are those things called anyway?), and he said, "Mommy, come up here with me! It's mommy turn to slide!" and it just about melted my heart. I know that any newborn we are lucky enough to have will grow into a little kiddo one day, running around at the park or off at school. He'll be happy to have his big brother to play with, to learn from, and to model. And my kid will finally be lucky enough to have a little sister or brother to call to, "Come up here with me, it's your turn to slide!"

I think you can say that I'm feeling conflicted.

I guess for now I'll just be a hypocritical, whining, douchy ass.


  1. Its a tough decision, especially with having had a difficult time when your child was a newborn, but I know that I was a much different kind of baby than my sister, so take comfort in the fact that maybe your next one will sleep through the night right from the beginning. Found your blog for Bingo, thanks for sharing this adorable moment.

  2. No, I totally hear you! And now that we are pregnant with twins *gulp* I am really feeling ambivalent about growing our family. Deep down, I know that I will adore these kiddos as much as I do our son. But I am nervous!