Thursday, August 27, 2009


Thanks for sitting down for a moment with my little tirade yesterday. I was not in a happy place. I needed a little temper tantrum, and took a few minutes to have just that. Then my wonderful husband - who was fairly upset himself (in his manly, non-temper tantrum having kind of way), gave me some nice back rubbing while we had a good long conversation about what to do next. We weighed our options: take a month off, quit completely, move straight to IVF (which would involve a month off), or do another IUI. We have almost decided to do another IUI immediately, which will probably be our last. That is, unless Dr. D decides to surprise me with "Hey, I think the seventh could be the lucky one for you!" During this cycle, we'll get our shit together for IVF, if we decide to go that route. I'm not really sure what one has to do to prepare for IVF... ? But I'm sure there's something.

Husband is still not sold on IVF, but wasn't really good at articulating why. I think he may be afraid of how much more involved it will be than just IUI with injectibles (I'm not sure that it will be though...), and he also seems to have a feeling that since all these IUIs have failed, then nothing will work. I squashed that concern quickly, and we talked about how IVF is like bringing out the big guns. He's definitely feeling the time crunch, like we need to work this out now. I've been feeling that for some months now, so I get it.

As indecisive as I am, one thing really helped to clarify my feelings. Last night as we hashed this out, husband talked about moving on. What if we just stopped, and then the decision is made, there's no more "what if's" or speculation or wondering. What if we gave away the boxes and boxes of kiddo clothes and toys and gear clogging up our basement. What if we just ... decided for us, instead of waiting for it to happen. We could have closure.

My period coming didn't make me cry. But that... the thought of closure, of moving on, of giving up... That made me cry.

I'm not ready.


  1. What a powerful post. These are the moments when we know we must keep going, even when our brain screams STOP THE MADNESS.

    Good luck this cycle.

  2. My 2 cents: one IVF cycle is like a dozen IUIs smushed together and improved (no questions of did egg meet sperm? etc.). I was very hesitant to do it at first, but it really wasn't much more involved than IUI w/injectables. After success with IVF, you couldn't pay me to do multiple IUIs again. I want closure, too. IF sucks and I want to be done with it. We'll try a couple more IVFs and that's it. Whatever the outcome. A single-child family can be pretty awesome, too.

  3. Thanks y'all. Infertile Breeder - yeah, I really wish I knew we'd be at 5 BFN IUIs, in hindsight I wish I had gone to IVF sooner. But it worked for us before - and on the first IUI too! - so it just seemed like the place to be, ya know?

    So really, we're doing another one this month b/c I can't fit an IVF in before our vacation, and I don't want to do nothing.