Decisions

Thanks for sitting down for a moment with my little tirade yesterday. I was not in a happy place. I needed a little temper tantrum, and took a few minutes to have just that. Then my wonderful husband - who was fairly upset himself (in his manly, non-temper tantrum having kind of way), gave me some nice back rubbing while we had a good long conversation about what to do next. We weighed our options: take a month off, quit completely, move straight to IVF (which would involve a month off), or do another IUI. We have almost decided to do another IUI immediately, which will probably be our last. That is, unless Dr. D decides to surprise me with "Hey, I think the seventh could be the lucky one for you!" During this cycle, we'll get our shit together for IVF, if we decide to go that route. I'm not really sure what one has to do to prepare for IVF... ? But I'm sure there's something.

Husband is still not sold on IVF, but wasn't really good at articulating why. I think he may be afraid of how much more involved it will be than just IUI with injectibles (I'm not sure that it will be though...), and he also seems to have a feeling that since all these IUIs have failed, then nothing will work. I squashed that concern quickly, and we talked about how IVF is like bringing out the big guns. He's definitely feeling the time crunch, like we need to work this out now. I've been feeling that for some months now, so I get it.

As indecisive as I am, one thing really helped to clarify my feelings. Last night as we hashed this out, husband talked about moving on. What if we just stopped, and then the decision is made, there's no more "what if's" or speculation or wondering. What if we gave away the boxes and boxes of kiddo clothes and toys and gear clogging up our basement. What if we just ... decided for us, instead of waiting for it to happen. We could have closure.

My period coming didn't make me cry. But that... the thought of closure, of moving on, of giving up... That made me cry.

I'm not ready.

CD 1

Angry.

Bitter.

Tired. Of feeling broken, of having to start over again. Just tired.


Crap.

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Seriously, we can fertilize eggs and grow follicles in a lab setting, but we haven't figured out how to cut out the 2ww entirely? I bet there's a solution somewhere, but they're hiding it. You know, *they* are. Bastards. Isn't it entirely silly and backwards that we start really hoping and praying (and getting superstitious, like being afraid to "jinx" things) towards the end of the 2ww? Shouldn't that all happen right around ovulation, because once it happens, it's all sort of said and done. Even though we don't know yet what exactly has been said or done. Yes, there are things that can go wrong of course, but generally if the egg and sperm aren't a perfect match right from the get-go, then there's no sense in hoping .... not to mention cutting out caffeine or ibuprofin.

~~~~~~~

I'm waiting fairly patiently. I'm sort of not feeling it this cycle. I don't know why that is exactly. I mean, I'm doing my normal dance between being positive that this cycle worked and being positive that I'm headed for another AF, but the negative feelings are outweighing the hopeful ones. I'm 11dpo today, and my only other injectibles cycle ended after a 12-day LP, so I will know for sure by Thursday. And really, if my LP is going to be 12 days again, then tomorrow I'll start spotting and feeling cramps. If I don't have any of those signs by Thursday morning, I'll pee on a stick.

~~~~~~~

So for now, I'll continue to wait. And I'll continue to try my damndest not to pee on any stick I happen to find lying around the house.

6dpo, and why my RE sucks

At 6dpo, I have to say I am feeling pretty darn ok. Considering that my only other injectibles cycle was filled with pain, nausea, and general exhaustion, I am one happy infertile.

Let's talk now a little about the 2ww, shall we? The 2ww is how long again...? Oh, that's right, it's TWO friggin weeks. Oh but not at my RE. Noooo, no no no. They're way too special for that. At my RE, they schedule a beta at 16dpo. But when you have your IUI on a Friday, and 16dpo falls on a Sunday, when do you think they'd schedule the beta? Next Friday would be 14dpo, but nooooo, that's too soon for my RE. And of course why would they clog up their clinic on a weekend with a little old, lowly first beta? No, they schedule the betas for Friday IUIs at 17dpo, which would be the Monday two and a half weeks after the IUI. Seriously, 17dpo. Why not just wait a few months and see if I grow a bump? That'll cut down on all the unnecessary betas.

Want to know why else my RE sucks? They don't call me with progesterone results. C'mon, everybody knows that's how you can tell how "well" you ovulated. But noooo. It's all "no news is good news!" and "you won't hear from the doc unless there's a problem!" from them.

I'll leave you (for now) with this PSA for all you moms out there: Don't make a joke to your over-tired (waking up at 5am, nap skipping) 2-year old, a half hour before bedtime, that there are no M&M's for potty time tonight. That "joke" won't go over well, I promise you.

Other women

Other women go off the pill according to the season or month they want to have a baby.

I never went back on the pill, and can tell you 25 reasons why any month would be perfect for a birthday. Nine months pregnant in the summer? A Christmas baby? I'll take it. Any of it, perfect.


Other women calculate what their due date would be if they got pregnant that month.

I think about when my period is due, and where I'll be when it arrives. I'll consider when my next ovulation will be, and hope I can fit a cycle in before I leave for vacation.


Other women wouldn't book a trip to Disney in 15 months, because they wouldn't want to bring a new baby.

I'm booking it as soon as I get the chance.


Other women hope for a boy first, or another girl.

I hope for a baby.


Other women stop buying clothes for themselves, knowing that soon they'll have to invest in maternity clothes.

I consider maternity pants or a bella band for my infertility-induced bloated belly, and grudgingly settle for loose tops and the rubber-band method.


Other women plan the size and timing of their families with certainty, with a sense of knowing and control. They consider things like paying for college and daycare, having two in diapers at the same time, and growing up "close."

I don't have a clue. I'll take what I can get, and I'll tell you the bright side of however it works out for us.

Sperm, meet egg

Pretty please??

22 million of my husband's best men are on their way.

I'm going to celebrate my day off, and the end of the needles
(at least for another few weeks)
by seeing "The Time Traveler's Wife." Popcorn and smuggled-in Arizona iced tea....mmmmm, I can't wait.

Follie update

I had another follie check yesterday, and I now have two nice little ones cooking. One at 17mm and one at 18mm. And the best part: one is on each side. I triggered last night, and the IUI is tomorrow.

I love the notes the doc wrote for me, so I wouldn't forget any steps:

Weds
Ovidrel
Sex

Thurs
abstain

Fri
7am - dropoff
9:30am - IUI

Of course I brought the note home. "Look, honey, we gotta do it, doctor's orders!" Ah, doctor prescribed sex. Ain't it the best kind?! (Not that sex makes babies in my situation, of course, but I don't want any bases left uncovered.)

Tired

So, so tired. Physically, that is; emotionally I'm just fine, despite being just a few short days away from my IUI. More on that later. My poor kiddo has been sick for the past week; he had to miss three days of daycare, and was sick all weekend at home too. All we've done for the past six days has been watch Sesame Street and Blues Clues, and lie around on the couch, and otherwise be all cute and pathetic. (Well, that's what the kiddo has done. Me... I'm not so cute when I'm pathetic.) He had a fever for six straight days, and was just a mopey little mess - not eating, only wanting to drink "blue juice" (gatorade) and milk. I'm afraid to weigh him. I think I'll wait a week or so for that; he's a skinny kid, so I'm forever obsessing about his weight and eating habits, while trying not to outwardly stress. If that makes sense. Now the fever is gone, thank goodness, and he's back at daycare. My mid-day status check on him was fine, and he made it through the day with no problems. Thank goodness. I'm crossing my fingers for a night without too much of that barking cough that has been keeping us all up the past couple nights.

Anyway, let's talk about my uterus, shall we? (Don't worry, ovaries, I won't leave you out!) Today is day 10, and I had my follie check yesterday. I had three nice ones cooking, ranging in size from 10 to 14mm. My uterine lining was 7.7. They upped my dosage of Gonal F a bit (from 225 to 300), and I started Ganirelex last night. I have one word about the Ganirelex: OUCH. But the pain was short-lived, and I'm a tough chick, so it'll be fine. I go back tomorrow morning for another follie check, and will probably trigger tomorrow night, with my IUI on Friday morning.

I'm happy to report that physically this month, SO FAR (knock wood), it's been easy peasy. No nausea from the stims, no major bloating (just a little bit at this point), and no ovary pain. Thank fricken goodness. I was a bit worried after how hellish my symptoms were on my last cycle, but SO FAR (knock wood), it's all good. I do remember that the serious pain, the doubled-over in the bathroom stall at work, limping when I walked kind of pain, didn't happen until the day just before my IUI, and then it hit fever-pitch in the two days after my IUI. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but just maybe it's safe to say that I don't seem to be going down the same road.

Now for my mental well-being. I'm doing ok. Honestly. Really. Not too stressed out or depressed or even hopeless. I'm feeling rather zen about the whole thing. It's amazing what feeling ok physically can do for my emotional state. The fact that I'm down to one or maybe two more IUIs before we have to move on to IVF .... well, it's in the back of my mind, but it's not overwhelming me.

More to come tomorrow after my next - and hopefully last - follie check.

Aaannnd, backfire

First I have to share a confession with you. Are you ready for the crazy? Here goes... I purposely did not have sex around the time I was ovulating this month. Why would I do that, when I'm clearly trying to get pregnant, you ask? Well, because I am sick and fricken tired of my PMS symptoms that mimic early pregnancy symptoms tricking me. Nausea as PMS? What sadistic jackass thought that up? And I believe in my heart that I won't get pregnant from sex alone (um, let's see, I think I'm up to something like 45 cycles of BFNs?), so I didn't want to do that to myself. I wanted to take hope out of the equation completely, and just be able to wait out the cycle in peace.

Yeah, I said it was crazy. You were warned.

Here's where it backfired on me. I have a friend (well, as much as one could be a friend if you've never met in person, at least -- we met online, and we're sort of like pen-pals for the 21st century) who had to use injectibles and IUI to get pregnant with her son. Her son is just about a month older than my kiddo. She had PCOS and I think it was her 3rd or 4th IUI that did the trick. She told me yesterday that she is about 7 weeks pregnant, and she just found out a few days ago. Now how could an infertile find out she's pregnant at 7 weeks?! I will be peeing on multiple sticks the moment I'm 14dpo, if I'm patient enough to wait that long, so I can't imagine how one (again, an infertile!) could get to 7 weeks without knowing. Get this. She had no clue. Her cycles were wonky from her PCOS, and she just thought she was lapsing back into her 45 to 60-day cycles again. So not only was she a "you never know" person, but she was also a "I didn't know I was pregnant!" person. (Ok, only for 3 weeks, but still.)

I have to add here that she was sweet enough to say to me, "you can be mad. And jealous. I know I would be." Seriously, what a great person - I truly am happy for her, despite my *green with envy* side.

And this is why I feel like my genius little plan was a backfire. Why did I skip sex two weekends ago? "You never know" people are all over the damn place. Yeah, I'm probably not going to be one of them (cough-45 cycles of BFNs-cough), but .... well, that's why they call them "you never know" people.

Frick.