Saturday, July 4, 2009

Why secondary infertility sucks

Let me count the ways...

1 - You know what you're missing. I loved being pregnant. I had a fairly easy go of it (including labor & delivery), and I really can't wait to do it again. Yes, I had the typical complaints, but that's what being pregnant was all about, and it probably didn't bother me as much as it could have, because I felt ridiculously lucky to be there.

2 - You have another person to consider as part of the equation. When dealing with primary IF, my husband & I only had to consider our own needs and wishes. If we wanted to take out a loan to cover adoption or IVF, it was only our own future we were mortgaging. Now, we have a much harder time deciding where to draw the line - both financially and emotionally - because there is another person's life and future at stake here. And to take it a step further, it works both ways, actually: part of the reason we want another kid (or kids) is because of our son. We want sibling(s) for him and his future, as well as for ours.

3 - People's comments are no easier this time around. Dare I say, the comments may be worse? I don't know, that could just be my current pain overshadowing my painful memories of last time. But the comments are similar: Just relax, you know you can do it because you've already done it once... (dude, relaxing didn't get us there the first time). When are you going to give that kid of yours a baby brother or sister ... (thanks, just what I need, more pressure). And my least favorite, the "you never know" comments. You never know ... my cousin got pregnant on her own when her IVF baby was only 3 months old... (yeah, well my kid is two and a half, so I'm thinking that isn't the case for us). Grrrrrr...

4 - I'm seeing way less sympathy from people this time around. You already have a wonderful son, they say, why are you pushing it? They don't get that it's difficult to discover that once again you don't have an easy road for this, and that having my son doesn't necessarily make it any easier.

5 - Time is not as plentiful as it once was, pre-kids. Two parts to this: firstly, we don't have the time or energy for the sex life that we used to enjoy (and some say you can't get pregnant without having sex, to which I politely laugh), and we also have to juggle caring for him along with getting treatments. Ever try to keep a toddler still at an RE's office? During blood work this isn't so hard, but during an ultrasound? Not so easy.

6 - Not having a choice - or at least not having an easy choice - when it comes to family building sucks. Plain and simple, it just shouldn't be this hard to get or stay pregnant.


  1. Thanks for stopping by my blog. As a fellow SIF'er I can relate to everything you mentioned. I almost could have written every word ;-)

    ..and welcome to the world of blogging! will be following your journey...

  2. Sending hope... It's a rough journey but I hope that you find the pot of gold at the end.

  3. i dealt with secondary IF for 2 years and it sucks bad. i didn't have primary IF though so in some ways, i can't compare - however all your points are so true! it was so difficult to fit into either of the groups, the IF support doesn't really let you in because you "already have one" and the regular TTC support is really frustrating since you are way beyond the niceties of TTC. Anyways, I survived and lived to tell about it and you will too and it is the sweetest miracle to win the battle a 2nd time, so worth every tear and every heartache. i swear. many positive thoughts your way!

  4. The comments really do sting - I never got too many bad comments the first time around, I think people were kind enough to not ask, but now that I have a daughter, you run into everyone assuming that it was easy the first time around and that the second time will be even easier. And now my daughter keeps asking for a brother, which breaks my heart.

    Best of luck to you