Losing it

I was so freaking smug this past month or so. I've been all, "look at me not being infertile! Look how I'm thinking about and doing other things! La la la la la-de-dah." Stupid.

Apparently I have not dealt well with my issues, but rather pushed them to the back burner. You know, to come boiling over when I wasn't paying attention, ready to burn me and ruin my pot, stove, and probably my outfit too.

I have been seriously on edge the past few days. I can't explain it. My only guess is that I'm suffering from a raging case of PMS, because I'm also bloated and I have a headache. I'm on Day 2 of holding a grudge against my husband for something stupid that he said to me. Two days ago. It wasn't even that bad, I just didn't think he was being ... "nice." What am I, a toddler? Oh and speaking of toddlers? Mine? Yeah, I screamed at him this morning. Screamed. Then I slammed my car door. Why? Because he didn't tell me he wanted juice for the ride to school until I started to pull out of the driveway. Then he started to cry and whine. Which he has been doing entirely too much of lately. And because I couldn't take the grating sound of his whine, I pulled back in the driveway and got him his damn juice. Screaming at him as I slammed the car door on my way out of the car. When I got in the house I screamed at the top of my lungs until my hands stopped shaking.

What the hell is wrong with me?? I'm usually so good at dealing with his little tantrums. (And that's all they are, really. He's generally a pretty laid back kid.)

I got back in the car, and sat in the back seat with him for a minute, and apologized as much as I could. I told him I didn't like to yell, and I was very frustrated and angry and I shouldn't have yelled at him.

The whole way to school, I imagined other drivers pointing and staring at the crazy person. I thought the other parents at school, or worse yet, the teachers, would see it on my face, how terrible I was to my kid. To his credit, he acted completely normal, like nothing had happened. When it was time for me to leave him I gave him a hug and a kiss, and he kissed my cheek three times (a "triple" he calls it), and I told him I was sorry I was such a cranker this morning. Know what he said? "I'm sorry mommy. I won't make you late to work. Any. More."

Then I cried on the way to work today. Because of a Daughtry song.

Serenity, NOW.