Losing it

I was so freaking smug this past month or so. I've been all, "look at me not being infertile! Look how I'm thinking about and doing other things! La la la la la-de-dah." Stupid.

Apparently I have not dealt well with my issues, but rather pushed them to the back burner. You know, to come boiling over when I wasn't paying attention, ready to burn me and ruin my pot, stove, and probably my outfit too.

I have been seriously on edge the past few days. I can't explain it. My only guess is that I'm suffering from a raging case of PMS, because I'm also bloated and I have a headache. I'm on Day 2 of holding a grudge against my husband for something stupid that he said to me. Two days ago. It wasn't even that bad, I just didn't think he was being ... "nice." What am I, a toddler? Oh and speaking of toddlers? Mine? Yeah, I screamed at him this morning. Screamed. Then I slammed my car door. Why? Because he didn't tell me he wanted juice for the ride to school until I started to pull out of the driveway. Then he started to cry and whine. Which he has been doing entirely too much of lately. And because I couldn't take the grating sound of his whine, I pulled back in the driveway and got him his damn juice. Screaming at him as I slammed the car door on my way out of the car. When I got in the house I screamed at the top of my lungs until my hands stopped shaking.

What the hell is wrong with me?? I'm usually so good at dealing with his little tantrums. (And that's all they are, really. He's generally a pretty laid back kid.)

I got back in the car, and sat in the back seat with him for a minute, and apologized as much as I could. I told him I didn't like to yell, and I was very frustrated and angry and I shouldn't have yelled at him.

The whole way to school, I imagined other drivers pointing and staring at the crazy person. I thought the other parents at school, or worse yet, the teachers, would see it on my face, how terrible I was to my kid. To his credit, he acted completely normal, like nothing had happened. When it was time for me to leave him I gave him a hug and a kiss, and he kissed my cheek three times (a "triple" he calls it), and I told him I was sorry I was such a cranker this morning. Know what he said? "I'm sorry mommy. I won't make you late to work. Any. More."

Then I cried on the way to work today. Because of a Daughtry song.

Serenity, NOW.

Filling in the blanks

Well.

So far, 2010 has been a pretty good year, with just one exception.

My sister's marriage is crumbling. Listening to her, I'm pretty sure it's over. When I asked her a few days ago if she was decided on her next steps, or if she was still "trying" counseling (I put it in quotes because I'm not sure she ever really tried very hard; I think by the time they went to counseling she was checked out of the relationship), and she said, "well, I'm just not sure what to do with the baby, what to tell him, how to arrange for babysitting on my own..." I think she's just trying to figure out logistics at this point. Without getting into too much (searchable, identifiable) details, she is fed up with her marriage because her husband doesn't contribute anywhere near 50% to the house, the finances, or the child-raising. However, he is dealing with a medical condition. A medical condition that I never understood, or frankly even believed was for real, but that she knew about from day one. She always supported him, and, well, it seems now like she was covering up for him and making excuses for his behaviors.

I'll stop here and say that it's not drugs. It sounds like drugs or alcoholism, doesn't it? Not even close. I don't mean to be vague in an annoying way, I just don't want to share details that aren't mine, so I'm trying to be as anonymous as possible.

What is making it so hard for me to be supportive to my sister, is that I feel terrible for my brother-in-law. Truth be told, I never felt like he was the one for her. I told her my reservations about him when they first started to get serious, and so did our other sister, as well as a friend of hers. But she stood hard on the "It's not his fault, he's dealing with a serious medical condition, and I love him and want to support him" line. No matter that he managed to work full time before he met my (hard working) sister. He dropped to part time, then stopped working all together, to pursue his education. For the past few years, he's taken one class per semester (so he could take care of the baby), and a year ago stopped school all together. Oh, and he sends the baby to a babysitter every day of the week.

So why do I feel terrible for him? Since he clearly sounds like a deadbeat? Well, one because my sister is having an affair. Yeah. But mostly because I can't figure out what he did wrong. (Besides all of the above, you're asking?) Again, I would never be ok with a marriage like that, and I would never think that my workaholic sister would either. But she married the guy! Just like he is today. Nothing's changed, except his efforts, which she has been ok with all along. Supportive even. I can't figure out where her breaking point came, and why now. She said simply, "I just reached my limit - I can't take it anymore." I feel terrible for my brother in law, because all of his efforts (or lack thereof) have been my sister's idea or fully supported by her until now. How was he to know she had a problem, if her first mention of the problem is in the same breath as "I want a divorce," and "Oh by the way, I'm having an affair"?

Anyway. I have no idea what to do with all of this. (Except vent to my other sister, and be as supportive and thought-provoking as possible to this sister.)

Next time, I'll write about why this year has gotten off to an otherwise great start. Thanks for listening if you've made it this far.

First stop, write the dang goal

My husband and I were talking about the past year, and wondering what 2010 would bring. He said that he's already broken his new year's resolution for this year (being more decisive - hahah! Who knew he was struggling with the same thing I am?), and then asked me what my resolution was. I told him I wasn't messing around with a silly resolution this year; they're too easy to break and even forget. I told him I was writing a goal. His response? "So, then, your resolution is to write a goal?" I had to laugh out loud. Clearly I married him for his looks and his ability to crack me up.

So what is my goal going to address? I'm not really living my life as fully as I'd like. I'm too focused on what I don't have, and what might be missing, to completely enjoy and cherish what is great right now. I'm not trying to imply that I'm all together miserable or anything - I know that I'm not. But I also know that I'm much more focused than I'd like to be on the negative, and the unknown, things that are going on with me. The truth is, we are lucky. Yes, lucky as hell. We have food (and often too much of it), we have our health, we have a house in a great neighborhood, decent jobs, and a great family. We have our kiddo. Our little lightbulb. I don't want to look back and wonder what I missed because I was too busy worrying about or working towards an uncertain future. I have too many certainties in my future for that!

I was running late to work today. As usual. Except my boss, my boss's boss, and even her boss, were all in town for a meeting, and I desperately wanted to be early. So all morning I was rushing my kiddo, telling him to be a good listening boy for me, and running around the house trying to get us ready and out the door. We forgot his Nicky bunny (a tragedy, I tell you, leaving Nicky bunny at home), so I had to run back in the house to get it, with my car idling and my kiddo sitting happily in his carseat. My heart was pounding, thinking that I was going to look terrible showing up late to this meeting. I was ushering him into the daycare lobby, when I looked down and saw that he was walking like a duck, his back to me, waddling down the hallway toward his classroom. He didn't turn back around to me, just said - quietly, mind you, because he was focused intently on doing it right - he said, "mommy, look, I'm fancy-walking!"

Fancing walking. The kid cracks me up, all the time. All I have to do is pay attention, or else I'll miss it. And I don't want to look back in a year or twenty years, and wonder what I might have missed when he was two or three.

Those are the thoughts behind my new year's goal.