Monday, December 14, 2009


It's amazing how one phone call can pull me right back in.

Land of IF: Population, Me.

I have been doing really well the past couple weeks. No, I haven't been perfectly content, and I have been so conflicted about our next path that it's downright confusing at times. But I have been calm. I've enjoyed the feeling of being done with treatments - if only for a time - just the feeling of not having to schedule appointments, spend a quarter hour mixing meds and jabbing myself nightly. It has felt nice. Easy. I have distinctly *not* felt infertile, at least for the past couple weeks. I thought about our next steps with a sort of detachment, thinking the whole time that whatever works out will be for the best ... no, that we'll make the best of it. I will even say that I have spent more time being happy with feeling done, and less time being sad about what we're missing.

Then today. Today I did something that's been on my "to-do" list since this day. One month ago today I learned that my IVF wasn't going to happen, because my ovaries were sleeping on the job. I knew when my cycle was converted that I'd have to sit down with my doc and talk about our options. I knew it would eventually be time to figure out what happens next.

So I called today to schedule time with the doc for what we infertiles sometimes call the "WTF appointment." As in WTF went wrong? WTF do I do now? As I said, I went into this phone call with a sort of centered calm. It is what it is, whatever will be, will be, and all that fun stuff. Within minutes of the call I was crying. (Frankly I'm lucky I held out until I hung up the phone.) I was internally cursing my body, angry and feeling broken. Guilt. Tired. Again, again, again.

The appointment is Friday.

I'm scared.


  1. I'm so sorry. :( I will be thinking of you on Friday, and hoping that your meeting produces a plan that will bring your heart peace for the holidays.

  2. Sending big hugs your way... Sorry you're hurting.

  3. Oh, I can understand how hard it is to address this. It's one thing to talk about your plans and thoughts at home, but somehow it just seems more concrete when you discuss it with your doctor. I hope that you get what you need out of that appointment and that you are content with whatever plan you decide on. Good luck. I'll be thinking of you.

  4. Good luck with your appointment. I'm sorry that you had to deal with the misery of an "experimental" first attempt at IVF. I hope you get a good plan for try #2.. or some other alternative that works for you. ((hugs))