Decisions

Thanks for sitting down for a moment with my little tirade yesterday. I was not in a happy place. I needed a little temper tantrum, and took a few minutes to have just that. Then my wonderful husband - who was fairly upset himself (in his manly, non-temper tantrum having kind of way), gave me some nice back rubbing while we had a good long conversation about what to do next. We weighed our options: take a month off, quit completely, move straight to IVF (which would involve a month off), or do another IUI. We have almost decided to do another IUI immediately, which will probably be our last. That is, unless Dr. D decides to surprise me with "Hey, I think the seventh could be the lucky one for you!" During this cycle, we'll get our shit together for IVF, if we decide to go that route. I'm not really sure what one has to do to prepare for IVF... ? But I'm sure there's something.

Husband is still not sold on IVF, but wasn't really good at articulating why. I think he may be afraid of how much more involved it will be than just IUI with injectibles (I'm not sure that it will be though...), and he also seems to have a feeling that since all these IUIs have failed, then nothing will work. I squashed that concern quickly, and we talked about how IVF is like bringing out the big guns. He's definitely feeling the time crunch, like we need to work this out now. I've been feeling that for some months now, so I get it.

As indecisive as I am, one thing really helped to clarify my feelings. Last night as we hashed this out, husband talked about moving on. What if we just stopped, and then the decision is made, there's no more "what if's" or speculation or wondering. What if we gave away the boxes and boxes of kiddo clothes and toys and gear clogging up our basement. What if we just ... decided for us, instead of waiting for it to happen. We could have closure.

My period coming didn't make me cry. But that... the thought of closure, of moving on, of giving up... That made me cry.

I'm not ready.

CD 1

Angry.

Bitter.

Tired. Of feeling broken, of having to start over again. Just tired.


Crap.

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Seriously, we can fertilize eggs and grow follicles in a lab setting, but we haven't figured out how to cut out the 2ww entirely? I bet there's a solution somewhere, but they're hiding it. You know, *they* are. Bastards. Isn't it entirely silly and backwards that we start really hoping and praying (and getting superstitious, like being afraid to "jinx" things) towards the end of the 2ww? Shouldn't that all happen right around ovulation, because once it happens, it's all sort of said and done. Even though we don't know yet what exactly has been said or done. Yes, there are things that can go wrong of course, but generally if the egg and sperm aren't a perfect match right from the get-go, then there's no sense in hoping .... not to mention cutting out caffeine or ibuprofin.

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I'm waiting fairly patiently. I'm sort of not feeling it this cycle. I don't know why that is exactly. I mean, I'm doing my normal dance between being positive that this cycle worked and being positive that I'm headed for another AF, but the negative feelings are outweighing the hopeful ones. I'm 11dpo today, and my only other injectibles cycle ended after a 12-day LP, so I will know for sure by Thursday. And really, if my LP is going to be 12 days again, then tomorrow I'll start spotting and feeling cramps. If I don't have any of those signs by Thursday morning, I'll pee on a stick.

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So for now, I'll continue to wait. And I'll continue to try my damndest not to pee on any stick I happen to find lying around the house.

6dpo, and why my RE sucks

At 6dpo, I have to say I am feeling pretty darn ok. Considering that my only other injectibles cycle was filled with pain, nausea, and general exhaustion, I am one happy infertile.

Let's talk now a little about the 2ww, shall we? The 2ww is how long again...? Oh, that's right, it's TWO friggin weeks. Oh but not at my RE. Noooo, no no no. They're way too special for that. At my RE, they schedule a beta at 16dpo. But when you have your IUI on a Friday, and 16dpo falls on a Sunday, when do you think they'd schedule the beta? Next Friday would be 14dpo, but nooooo, that's too soon for my RE. And of course why would they clog up their clinic on a weekend with a little old, lowly first beta? No, they schedule the betas for Friday IUIs at 17dpo, which would be the Monday two and a half weeks after the IUI. Seriously, 17dpo. Why not just wait a few months and see if I grow a bump? That'll cut down on all the unnecessary betas.

Want to know why else my RE sucks? They don't call me with progesterone results. C'mon, everybody knows that's how you can tell how "well" you ovulated. But noooo. It's all "no news is good news!" and "you won't hear from the doc unless there's a problem!" from them.

I'll leave you (for now) with this PSA for all you moms out there: Don't make a joke to your over-tired (waking up at 5am, nap skipping) 2-year old, a half hour before bedtime, that there are no M&M's for potty time tonight. That "joke" won't go over well, I promise you.

Other women

Other women go off the pill according to the season or month they want to have a baby.

I never went back on the pill, and can tell you 25 reasons why any month would be perfect for a birthday. Nine months pregnant in the summer? A Christmas baby? I'll take it. Any of it, perfect.


Other women calculate what their due date would be if they got pregnant that month.

I think about when my period is due, and where I'll be when it arrives. I'll consider when my next ovulation will be, and hope I can fit a cycle in before I leave for vacation.


Other women wouldn't book a trip to Disney in 15 months, because they wouldn't want to bring a new baby.

I'm booking it as soon as I get the chance.


Other women hope for a boy first, or another girl.

I hope for a baby.


Other women stop buying clothes for themselves, knowing that soon they'll have to invest in maternity clothes.

I consider maternity pants or a bella band for my infertility-induced bloated belly, and grudgingly settle for loose tops and the rubber-band method.


Other women plan the size and timing of their families with certainty, with a sense of knowing and control. They consider things like paying for college and daycare, having two in diapers at the same time, and growing up "close."

I don't have a clue. I'll take what I can get, and I'll tell you the bright side of however it works out for us.

Sperm, meet egg

Pretty please??

22 million of my husband's best men are on their way.

I'm going to celebrate my day off, and the end of the needles
(at least for another few weeks)
by seeing "The Time Traveler's Wife." Popcorn and smuggled-in Arizona iced tea....mmmmm, I can't wait.

Follie update

I had another follie check yesterday, and I now have two nice little ones cooking. One at 17mm and one at 18mm. And the best part: one is on each side. I triggered last night, and the IUI is tomorrow.

I love the notes the doc wrote for me, so I wouldn't forget any steps:

Weds
Ovidrel
Sex

Thurs
abstain

Fri
7am - dropoff
9:30am - IUI

Of course I brought the note home. "Look, honey, we gotta do it, doctor's orders!" Ah, doctor prescribed sex. Ain't it the best kind?! (Not that sex makes babies in my situation, of course, but I don't want any bases left uncovered.)